Have you done this?

Ever sitting at your desk digging in your nose, you get a good one, then go to wipe it under the desk, only to find a crusty old booger you previously wiped under the desk now on your finger? Ever use someone else's bathroom and while you're sitting there sneering at their bathroom decor, pick your nose? Then try to get it off your finger but you end up wiping it on the wall? Do you then have a small smile come across your face like maybe you improved the room a little bit? Or is it like marking your territory? Are you ever in the same scenario but are able to get said booger off your finger by flicking it? Ever question the formula you might use to figure out the trajectory of the booger before it landed on the monogrammed towel? What is that formula anyway? Ever pick your nose and then smell your finger, only to find that it smells kinda funky? Why does the inside of your nose stink? Shouldn't you be able to smell it? I mean, it's right there.

Misplaced Hostility

I am an art guard but I like to tell people I'm in security. It's one of those "white lies" that seems to be fully acceptable. It's kinda true.
Last week a young, well dressed couple in their mid-twenties came into the gallery where I was conducting surveillance. They looked around a bit and glanced at their map of the museum. I observed the all too common appearance of confusion on their faces.
Male: What gallery is this?
Me: Seven
Female: Seven?
Me: (a more authoritative) Seven.
Male: Seven? (Cocks his head slightly)
Me: Seh-ven.
They shuffled out and went on their way.
There isn't a Gallery 7. There is a seventh floor, which is indeed where I was, but no Gallery 7. Gallery 7 is actually a corporate sponsored gallery and so in turn, bears their name.
I didn't even lie to them purposefully. I had one of those completely brain dead moments. I felt like an ass but nonetheless laughed maniacally about it afterwards.
Remember in 7th grade when the older kids would send you to the boiler room because they serve ice cream there after school on Wednesdays?

Rikki and Friends

Greg: Smell this. (Pushes a large brown translucent cube towards my face)
Me: What is it? (Wrinkled nose and look of concern )
Greg: It's a bar of soap my sister made. 
Me: Oh. (sniff sniff) I could wash my butt with that. It's lovely.